Running Away – fear, lies, and rejection, then love

Running Away

Have you ever thought about running away?

Running away… Oh my goodness, I did! But would it surprise you to know that not as a child, but as an adult and as a mother? I often wished I could escape through time, and go back to be a child once more. Yes, I know, when we are little, we want to be grown up, and when we are grown, with responsibilities of our own, we want to be a child again. We want direction, guidance, care from a loving hand, safety and peace.

The pressures of both adulthood and motherhood were, at times, overwhelming. I was a working mom, with young children who had to go to daycare. A daycare I wasn’t sure that could care for them as well as I could. Would they eat? Would they find comfort if they were hurt? Would other children play with them? Would the workers be loving and kind?

Tight Schedule

Plus, I had a tight schedule. I had to have them in daycare in time to get to work. At work, get everything done before I had to leave and meet the daycare schedule. Then, I had to get home and make dinner, play with the girls, give baths, read with them, and tuck them in. Then I had to get ready for the next day… and sometimes, I had to go back to work (working research does not bode well for regular work hours.) My husband had longer hours, worked further away with a longer commute. My schedule was a little more flexible.

Now, I know I am not the only mother/parent who has felt this way. Now, I take comfort in knowing that I survived; I didn’t harm my children and family, either emotionally or physically. But running away sure looked good once or twice.

Cowardly Way Out

However, that would have been the easy and, for someone in my situation, the cowardly and selfish way out. It would have created more problems than it solved. When I look back, I know life was not that difficult. It was my exhaustion speaking. I was a mother of two who worked outside the house. Clearly, I was not alone in this. Many have done and do it. However, what I experienced was real to me, and I did not see a way out.

How often I wished I could be a stay at home, mother. But, we could not afford it. Plus, I think I made a better, more connected and involved mother, because I worked outside the home. I found personal satisfaction and engaged my brain daily. I also made use of every moment I had with the girls. We were engaged. We did things together. We built a solid foundation for a lasting relationship cause we built good communication lines.

Yearned for More

Yet, I still struggled. I wanted something more. Yearned for it, but didn’t know what it was. Can you guess I was not following my faith? In fact, at those most desperate moments, I was very far away from God. Not that He left me or abandoned me, but I ran away from Him.

That is the only running away I ever did.

I had good reasons. I believed God had rejected me (see my previous blog – Living a Lie). Yes, there is a long story associated with this, into which I will not go right now. However, I can say that I was told God had rejected me, and foolishly, I believed them.

Why did I believe in such a ridiculous thing?

Because I was a young, naïve, and an inexperienced Christian. Although I was told it was because of un-confessed sin… a sin or sins I did not know about… I considered myself so bad that God judged me not good enough.

It took thirteen years to discover the truth and begin my journey back. I was the prodigal daughter returning to a loving father. Not that I ever emulated the behavior of the prodigal son. But, I ran away from God. I figured if he rejected me, I would do the same to Him.

What I should have done?

What I should have done was to go to the word of God. I was much too embarrassed to ask someone else if God rejected people. I didn’t want anyone else to know. It was a lie, planted by Satan, that I gobbled up hook, line and sinker.

Had I prayed and asked God, He would have shown me the truth. He would have exposed the lie to His divine light, His truth, and it would have shriveled up and died. It would have been dust at my feet to be trampled upon as I marched right back into His loving arms.

Acts 17:27
God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us.

Believing a Lie

Instead, I believed a lie. I let it grow and become an unconquerable monster in my life. A thing to hide. A thing to be ashamed of. It caused me to run from God.

But because of God’s grace and love for His children, he did not just let me go. He pursued me with a passion that can only be found in Him. He pursued me and made me His own. I came to realize that He considers me good enough to keep. Good enough to be His Child.

So, I have come home. The runaway has returned.

That was over thirty years ago, and I have not looked back, except to gain perspective and thank God for his mercy and grace.

Are You Running Away?

If so, what from? Some things are such you need to run away, but not everything. Sit back and think, pray, read God’s word, and if you have a trusted Christian friend, talk to them, seek their wise counsel.

God speaks to us in many ways, and if you listen, with not just your ears, but your heart and mind, you will understand. God’s love is all-encompassing. He loves all of you, just as you are. However, some situations must be left behind. If you find yourself in that situation, you may need to pack your bags and run. If not, you may look at your life through a different lens.

Blessings,
Jana

PS… All this looking back, and a friend’s encouragement, has motivated me to put my journey into a memoir. It will be called HIS Child. Hopefully, it will be out before Christmas, but no promises.

Jana

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